Evolutionary biologists: Muhammed did not evolve from a monkey

(Dissociated Press) In response to growing unrest and violence in the Muslim world over Western statements that offend the Prophet Muhammed, the Association for Hominid Ontogenesis Laws by Evolutionary Scientists (AssHOLES) have announced groundbreaking research that proves that the Prophet Muhammed, unlike all other humans, was not descended from a monkey.

"Our research shows that the Prophet was created directly by Allah, Peace Be Upon Him, and not descended from monkeys, like Jews and infidels" said Professor Arnold Dhimmi, director of Human Evolutionary Biology at Harvard.

Dr. Dhimmi spoke from behind bullet-proof glass that was installed in his office following threats from Muslims around the world against those who would insult the Prophet.

"We have also discovered, using molecular DNA reductase microchromoholoscintillography, that the Prophet has no biological relation whatsoever to pigs. Furthermore, recent research has failed to show the existence of even a single molecule of biological alcohols in Mohammed's bloodline. It's amazing, Peace Be Upon Him." 

Dr. Dhimmi also commented on the fact that many observers have noted a reluctance of some atheists and Darwinists like Richard Dawkins to criticize Islam with the kind of ruthless vehemence that they reserve for Christianity.

"From eugenics to Haeckel's Embryos to Piltdown Man to the T4 program in Germany to Kettlewell's Moths to Archaeoraptor, we evolutionary biologists have always stood for truth and courage." Dr. Dhimmi said.

"Just like the Prophet" he smiled, adjusting the "Evolution-- except Muhammed" button on his bullet-proof vest.