Epidemiologists Warn of Spread of Adult Infancy
(Dissociated Press) Public health officials are closely monitoring the spread of Adult Baby Syndrome (ABS), a bizarre character illness in which adults regress to infantile methods of dealing with conflict. "ABS seems to be spreading", noted Center for Disease Control associate director Dr. Marvin Pamper, who has followed the evolution of the tragic disease for years. "It represents a major threat to the health of the victim and to the health of the community" Pamper said.
In related news, officials are monitoring a local outbreak of ABS in Cranston, Rhode Island, were a tragic new case has been reported.
In this frightening outbreak, a young adult reportedly was startled by a mundane 50 year old prayer on a wall in a school. "Her infantile mind was shattered", reports Dr. Pamper. "She saw the prayer, and in a moment her cooing turned to tears and wailing. One day, she was playing with her Richard Dawkins Doll, and the next, she was using her Barbie Cellphone to call police. Her childhood was shattered.
Emergency services officials initially had difficulty understanding her on the telephone. "She kept wimpering 'Me sawed pwayr Me sawed pwayr...'. Officials called atheist interpreters from the ACLU, who immediately recognized this as a clear example of prayer-child-abuse. "We asked her for her name, and all she could say was '... sue... sue... sue...' so we tried to find all of the emotionally unstable atheists named Susan in the neighborhood of the call" police said. "Finally we found the victim babbling, sobbing inconsolably."
Health Department officials have tried to help the witless victim, even offering adult-sized diapers, which are often sought by sufferers of ABS.
ACLU officials have blocked delivery of diapers for the emotionally unstable plantiff, pointing out that it interfers with the ongoing litigation.
"Diapers would interfere with our client's intent to disseminate atheist First Amendment jurisprudence" noted Lawrenty Beria, the ACLU's director of Religious Supression. "We will not accept pre-trial restraint".
The frightened victim and her ACLU
handlersrepresentatives have expressed concern that even a victory in the litigation against free expression of religion will prove traumatic to the fragile plantiff.
"We obviously expect
a lot of moneya settlement to compensate our client for her pain and suffering and to cover our legal expenses" noted ACLU attorney William Shakedown. "It costs money to censor prayer. We incur expenses."
The tragedy is that even when she gets her money from the working people of Cranston, she may... may... not even be able to look at it.
ACLU attorney Shakedown noted that the cash that the victim and her attorneys expect to
wincompensate her for her suffering contains the verboten expression "In God We Trust".
"We may have to ask for direct deposit, which is guaranteed by the First Amendment", Shakedown noted.