Vice-President Biden holds urgent press conference

"The height of the bear is irrelevant" noted the Vice-President.
"No bear should be armed"

Vice President Speaks Out Against the Right to Arm Bears

(Dissociated press) Vice President Joe Biden today held an urgent press conference to denounce recent efforts by right-wing groups to enforce a Second Amendment right to 'arm bears'. Biden, recently returned from a six-month series of foreign state funerals in countries without electronic communication, expressed concern about conservative activists' recent efforts to enforce the Constitution.

"I've overheard reports that the right wing is pushing for laws that allow the arming of dangerous animals" Biden explained.

"I'm all for the Constitution and all that" Biden reassured reporters, "but we have to take public safety into account. We will never accept the right to arm bears. That's not what the forefathers intended. Do you think that FDR would ever have included that when he wrote the Constitution? Here-- I'll read the whole thing. See if it's in there."

Biden pulled out a dog-eared copy that he always carries "in my pocket close to my heart", and began reading:

"When in the Course of Human Events..."

After he finished, Biden grew solemn. "Now I've got nothing against bears" the Vice-President insisted. "but bears are not reliable gun owners, despite what the NRA and the right-wing gun nuts say."

Biden noted that he'd be happy to meet with representatives of the bears-- "black, brown, polar, it doesn't matter to me-- as long as they aren't armed."

"We could call it a 'Picnic Basket Summit' Biden quipped, winking at stunned aides. "As long as there's an... escape claws clause..."

In related news, President Obama has asked the Vice-President to conduct a fact-finding mission to the South Pole as soon as possible, despite reports that electronic communication from the pole will be impossible. But before he leaves, the Vice-President has scheduled another speech to be delivered tomorrow at the National Health Club Association's annual convention in Burbank, California.

His speech will be entitled 'The Free Exercise Clause and its impact on health club revenues'.