|"Drop the cups!" SWAT team moves in on sugary bathhouse violators|
(Dissociated Press) New York City health inspectors, accompanied by a Special Weapons and Tactics Team, raided a gay bathhouse in Manhattan in the early morning hours today in response to allegations that the proprietors were serving 32-ounce sugary sodas.
"It's really disgusting", said Sergeant John Wilde of the 32nd Precinct, as he led this reporter through the semen- and feces-strewn establishment. "I mean, the sugary Cokes and Dr. Peppers and Cream Sodas were out in the open, on the floor, everywhere."
"The offenders don't seem to understand how dangerous this is" Sergeant Wilde lamented. "They even mix activities that are completely legal with extraordinarily dangerous practices."
"Could you be specific?", this reporter asked.
The sergeant grimaced. "They follow-up completely legal city-sanctioned acts of serial anonymous oral-anal sex with a sip from a 32-ounce sugary soft drink."
The sergeant sighed. "And they know the sugary beverages cause disease!".
New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg held an imprompto press conference to discuss the raid.
Bloomberg, appearing at a ceremony at the New York City Department of Cultural Affairs entitled "Queer Cuisine: Celebrating Gay Corprophagia", lamented the soda-drinkers' blatant disregard for public health:
"The soft-drink lobby is shameless" sighed Bloomberg, standing beneath a "LGBT Political Action Committee" sign. "They peddle deadly health practices in the midst of an epidemic under the guise of "victimhood". Don't they know that people are dying from this behavior!"
The Mayor took questions from reporters about the behavior of the health code scoff-laws arrested in the bathhouse.
He said that the evidence-- incriminating debris-- was strewn across the bathhouse floor.
A reporter asked "did they use protection, at least?"
"No." the Mayor replied, shaking his head in disgust. "Not a single one was diet soda".