|"Bill, it's Barry. Have you been watchin' the news?"|
(Dissociated Press) With the nation reeling from horrendous terrorist bombings in Boston, President Obama knew whom to call first. Not the FBI director, not the Homeland Security Director, not the CIA director...
"I needed someone I could trust-- someone I knew well-- who was an expert on terrorist bombings." said the President, speaking to reporters gathered in the Oval Office for a news briefing. "So I reached out to a guy with a lot of experience setting off bombs intended for the public-- my first campaign bundler and Hyde Park buddy, 'Bombin Bill' Ayers."
The President grinned. "You might say that Bill was surprised to hear from me. Since 2007 he's been sorta' in the deep freeze. But we go back a long way. Decades. We worked together on boards, hit the party circuit together. He was my first campaign contributor-- threw my first fundraiser in his living room. Got me started in... um... public service. It was good to hear his voice. We talked for 15 minutes. He filled me in on all the latest bomb technology-- how to make shrapnel from nails, how to maximize the kill radius, how glass is invisible to x-rays, all that "Old-Time Bomber" stuff. I felt like I was back in his living room again, talking politics, jokin' about Semtex, scarfin' hors d' oeuvres"
"Billy is a real help in the investigation" the President said, with a wink. "It's nice to have connections".
The President smiled, thanked reporters, and strolled out of the Oval Office.
Following the news briefing, Press Secretary Jay Carney released a transcript of the President's chat with his old friend.
Ring... ring... ring...
Hey Bill, ya ol dog! Guess who? Been doing any "pressure cookin" lately?
Barry! That you, man? Long time no see. Since 2007 man.
Hey. Sorry about the chill. A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. Fox was all over me.
It's copesthetic, man. I understand. What's up?
Got any ideas on this B-town blastin?
Shit, man, these dudes are amateurs. Amateurs. Only three bourgeois killed? C'mon, I mean, the bomb we detonated in Greenwich Village in 1970 killed three of my closest dudes-- includin' my roomate and my girlfriend-- and we was just puttin' it together! We had a frackin bomb factory dude-- a 37-mm antitank shell, 57 sticks of dynamite, four 12-inch pipe bombs packed with dynamite, 30 blasting caps, timing devices rigged from alarm clocks, maps of the tunnel network underneath Columbia University, dynamite wrapped in tape with nails embedded to act as shrapnel. If we'd popped that bourgeois-buster where we planned-- at a graduation dance for young soldiers and their dates at Fort Dix-- we'd have killed scores of little Eichmanns. It was full of nails and ball bearings and scrap metal and all kinds of good shit. I mean, we killed as many of ourselves accidently as these losers in B-town killed on purpose! Amateurs.
What kind of bomb-making experience did these Boston guys have? Any clues there?
Gimme a break, Barry. I mean, these B-town boys ain't got no street experience. Bernadette and I set off seventy two bombs-- New York City Police headquarters, the U.S. Capitol, the Pentagon, the U.S. State Department, the Haymarket police monument in Chicago, Chicago police cars, Marin County Courthouse, Long Island City Courthouse, Department of Corrections in San Francisco, Department of Corrections in Albany, 103rd precinct New York police headquarters, Harvard Center for International Affairs, MIT Research Center, draft and recruiting centers, ROTC buldings, ITT Latin America Headquarters, National Guard Headquarters in Washington, Presidio Army Base and MP station, San Francisco, and the Federal Offices of Health, Education, and Welfare in San Francisco.
And, man, I feel we didn't do enough!
I forgot it was that many.
Hey, dude, you and me talked about it at the 4th of July party at my house in 2005. Don't you remember from all the news reports about you and me from the election campaign? ...Haa haa, haa, just kidding! I guess all those background checks are for guns, not presidents.
Heh. Do ya think we're gonna catch em, Bill?
Hope so, Barry! Columbia's got some faculty openings. Ha!
You always crack me up, Bill. Give my best to Bernadette, comrade. She was always a little firecracker!
Michelle too, Barry. KaBOOM! And don't be such a stranger. Remember: ya ain't got no reelection to worry about now. Come on over to Hyde Park, sometime. It'll be like old times. Hors d'oeuvres, jokin' about prilled ammonium nitrate and fuel oil, back slappin', lots of cash. Say hi to the old terrorists!
Don't waste all your post-election flexibility on Mendeleev!