Friday, September 13, 2013

First Lady tells Americans to drink more water, forgets to tell nation to urinate.



[Dissociated Press] Public health officials across the United States scrambled today to address a health crisis spreading across the country in the wake of a public health advisory by First Lady Michelle Obama telling Americans to drink more water.

Deputy Surgeon General Dr. Walter Micturate held a press conference at noon today to describe the crisis:

The First Lady this morning began her latest public awareness campaign to encourage Americans to drink plenty of water. Within hours of airing of the First Lady's public service video, White House telephone banks were overwhelmed with calls from millions of Americans complaining of progressive lower abdominal pain and distention. 

Dr. Micturate sighed, and continued:

Since the First Lady's announcement, emergency rooms nationwide have been flooded with patients complaining of abdominal bloating and pain, which has really strained our efforts to implement Obamacare. The crisis seems to be most serious in Blue States with high levels of public confidence in the President and the First Lady, and several Organizing for America regional offices had to be closed because personnel were rushed to the hospital. 

Administration officials said that the First Lady is now working on a new public health initiative, scheduled to be rolled out tomorrow, titled "Americans Need to Pee More, Too".

Plans for the First Lady's initiative "Americans Need to Eat a Lot More Fiber", scheduled to be introduced next month, have been postponed indefinitely.  

17 comments:

  1. I'm worried about admiral. Has anyone checked on him?

    Hoo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Adm. G Boggs, Glenbeckistan NavySeptember 13, 2013 at 7:47 AM

      Oh, I'm here. I was just enjoying a little surprise. Some idiot (we won't say Hoo) posted this gem last night:

      Enigma was a digital, not analog, machine

      Of course, the Enigma machine was

      [A]ny of a family of related electro-mechanical rotor cipher machines...
      --- Wiki: Enigma machines

      I thought most everybody knew that

      It took a moment, but I realized how this person came to his conclusion...

      The Enigma used digits! So it was a digital machine. And analogs use analogs!

      By the way, here's another digital machine according to that definition.

      I guess there are just 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who understand binary arithmetic and Boolean logic, and those who don't.

      Delete
    2. LOL. Admiral, your brain has died way too early.

      What about an abacus, is it a digital or analog device? I look forward to your insightful opinion on this matter.

      Cordially,

      Hoo

      Delete
    3. Adm. G Boggs, Glenbeckistan NavySeptember 13, 2013 at 8:01 AM

      I've already mentioned that:

      "I'm not asking about Enigma machines, difference engines, analog videocameras, abaci, or MONIAC machines.

      Here's my question: 'What is it that is causing the specific arrangements of pixels THAT YOU SEE ON YOUR DISPLAY?'" (9/12/13)


      No rabbit trails today, hooter.

      Delete
    4. Oh, wow, I had no idea admiral was this senile. I guess there is no point in directing him to read about what makes a machine analog, rather than digital. But yes, by way of example, abaci and mechanical calculators are digital, whereas sliding rules are analog.

      Can't comprehend this simple difference, admiral? My condolences!

      Hoo

      Delete
    5. Adm. G Boggs, Glenbeckistan NavySeptember 13, 2013 at 8:06 AM

      No rabbit trails today, hooter.

      "I'm not asking about Enigma machines, difference engines, analog videocameras, abaci, or MONIAC machines.

      Here's my question: 'What is it that is causing the specific arrangements of pixels THAT YOU SEE ON YOUR DISPLAY?'" (9/12/13)

      Delete
    6. This admiral is a hilarious nutter. Gets Enigma and abacus wrong, then sticks fingers in his ears and yells "La-la-la-la, I can't hear you!"

      What works in kindergarten probably also works in a senior facility.

      Hoo

      Delete
    7. Adm. G Boggs, Glenbeckistan NavySeptember 13, 2013 at 8:15 AM

      No rabbit trails today, hooter.

      "I'm not asking about Enigma machines, difference engines, analog videocameras, abaci, or MONIAC machines.

      Here's my question: 'What is it that is causing the specific arrangements of pixels THAT YOU SEE ON YOUR DISPLAY?'" (9/12/13)

      Just answer the question.

      Delete
    8. No, admiral, I am not visiting your rabbit trails today. I am going to tease you about your complete lack of understanding of the difference between digital and analog.

      Don't like it? Then fuck off.

      Hoo

      Delete
    9. Adm. G Boggs, Glenbeckistan NavySeptember 13, 2013 at 8:27 AM

      No rabbit trails today, hooter.

      "I'm not asking about Enigma machines, difference engines, analog videocameras, abaci, or MONIAC machines.

      Here's my question: 'What is it that is causing the specific arrangements of pixels THAT YOU SEE ON YOUR DISPLAY?'" (9/12/13)

      Just answer the question.

      Delete
    10. Georgie,

      I take it you have a 'gotcha' rejoinder to anyone who answers your question? That you're chortling in anticipation, while you're sitting in your bathtub playing with your toy plastic battleships in your Glenneckistan navy, waiting to reveal your killer blow, proving that you're right, even if only in your tiny mind.

      No one is going to answer your frantic demands. I suspect your question will turn out to half witted, similar to Egnor's hypothetical question awhile back, when he asked; is it possible for everyone in the world to accept something immoral as moral? And regardless of anyone's answer, the 'gotcha' rejoinder was to imagine that a global epidemic killed everyone on Earth. Save for 100 Nazis. Who believed that the Holocaust was right.

      Delete
  2. Adm. G Boggs, Glenbeckistan NavySeptember 13, 2013 at 7:34 AM

    Well, Dr. Micturate isn't in command of all the facts. Some people have a water storage body feature functionally similar in volume to that of an Arabian camel. The First Lady is well-regarded for the volume of hers. I was going to link a photo, but I decided it was in poor taste. :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Feel free to post a picture of yours. I'm sure they're real and they're spectacular.

      Hoo

      Delete
    2. Adm. G Boggs, Glenbeckistan NavySeptember 13, 2013 at 7:50 AM

      It was from the Puffington Host. Who knows whether it was real or not. They're not reliable like, say, jezebel.com.

      Delete
    3. Don't get it, admiral? By yours I meant the storage feature, not the picture.

      Don't be shy.

      Hoo

      Delete
    4. Adm. G Boggs, Glenbeckistan NavySeptember 13, 2013 at 7:58 AM

      Try craigslist. I'm sure you'll find what you're looking for there.

      Delete