[Dissociated Press] Public health officials across the United States scrambled today to address a health crisis spreading across the country in the wake of a public health advisory by First Lady Michelle Obama telling Americans to drink more water.
Deputy Surgeon General Dr. Walter Micturate held a press conference at noon today to describe the crisis:
The First Lady this morning began her latest public awareness campaign to encourage Americans to drink plenty of water. Within hours of airing of the First Lady's public service video, White House telephone banks were overwhelmed with calls from millions of Americans complaining of progressive lower abdominal pain and distention.
Dr. Micturate sighed, and continued:
Since the First Lady's announcement, emergency rooms nationwide have been flooded with patients complaining of abdominal bloating and pain, which has really strained our efforts to implement Obamacare. The crisis seems to be most serious in Blue States with high levels of public confidence in the President and the First Lady, and several Organizing for America regional offices had to be closed because personnel were rushed to the hospital.
Administration officials said that the First Lady is now working on a new public health initiative, scheduled to be rolled out tomorrow, titled "Americans Need to Pee More, Too".
Plans for the First Lady's initiative "Americans Need to Eat a Lot More Fiber", scheduled to be introduced next month, have been postponed indefinitely.