God to atheists: "You want evidence, idiots?"

(Dissociated Press) To the amazement of millions of atheists around the world, God has finally answered their objections.

He has appeared in a nebula:

The profile of the Almighty, in a nebula.

This reporter had a rare opportunity to interview His Omnipotence.

"Why", I asked Him, "haven't You shown Yourself to them before, in the sky?"

"Because it would be untrue to the way I created them" He replied. Animals I created with sensation and appetite to rule their souls. They see and smell and hear and feel. They don't understand. They don't have intellects. They have no free will."

The Prime Mover seemed tired and reflective.

"But man is different. I made him in My own Image. He can reason and choose. He is not driven merely by sensation, but by understanding and free choice. Throughout salvation history I've had to wean them from worship of material things-- golden calves, idols of all sorts. I need to show them that I am Pure Spirit, not a face in the clouds. I speak to them in the Scriptures and in their hearts and in their prayers, not in sky-writing. I must not woo man primarily by created things. Instead I woo his will-- by Grace I call him. I teach him about Me through his intellect."

"So why, Your Absolute Goodness, did You decide to show Yourself in a nebulae?

"I read The God Delusion. I mean, there's only so much stupid I can take. So I realized: atheists want evidence. I'll give them the kind of evidence they're looking for. The stupid kind. A Face in the sky." 

This reporter asked Necessary Existence "Why now?"

"I've been planting it in their hearts and in their minds for tens of thousands of years. Love and logic didn't work. I gave them prophets and theologians.  I even came in Person. "

The First Cause seemed sad.

"Finally, I've decided that I just have to show Myself, not using atheists' intellects and their wills, as I could with intelligent people, but using their senses. Attracting atheists to Truth is like calling your dog. Reason will only get you so far. Sometimes you have to pull out the dog biscuits." 

Final Cause rolled his eyes.

"Atheists wanted something tangible. They wanted data. But why these idiots would expect Necessary Existence to show up like a big HDTV in the sky is beyond Me." 

"I wrote the genetic code. I fashioned intricate molecular machines in their very cells. I wrote the moral law in their hearts. Even the simplest process in nature manifests My purpose. I've been sending them miracles for generations. I give them children-- I even let them participate in the creation of new life. Goodness gracious, what more do these atheists need?"

"Where did they think the moral code came from? Nature red in tooth and claw? Chance and necessity? What fools." 

"So here I Am. Right in their idiot telescopes."

So this reporter said to Omniscience: "Richard Dawkins, Sir, is writing a new book"

"I know, I know, I know" He groaned. 

As the fog on the lens of the telescope cleared in the dry cold air, I thought I saw the wisp of a nebula, like a huge Hand slapping a galactic Forehead.