Saturday, June 25, 2011

Epidemic of 'Prayer Virginity' sweeps nation.

[Dissociated Press] Doctors report that the recent epidemic of anti-Christian litigation casts light on a rising epidemic sweeping the nation:

Prayer Virginity.

Prayer Virginity (PV) is a disease in which an otherwise healthy person develops an inexplicable aversion to hearing other people pray or even use words like 'God' or 'Jesus' or 'Amen". It's a pitiful form of intolerance, say experts.

Across the country, PV victims are flocking to federal courthouses, ACLU offices, and MSNBC studios for treatment.

The symptoms of PV include:

1) Sudden onset- often associated with pubic school graduations

2) Palpitations and near-syncope.

3) Hyperventilation

4) Irresistible urge to call attorneys

Experts note that PV sufferers have extraordinarily weak psyches- many sufferers have been rendered 'irreparably un-whole' by a single high school graduation prayer.

Their psychological fragility is legendary. "It's pitiful", one doctor sighed. "They have minds of jello".

Recent research has cast light on the molecular pathology of PV. From a report in JAMA:

We are now learning that PV is a subset of Juvenile Excessive Ribosomal Kinase Syndrome. All PV victims are J.E.R.K.S. of one form or another. In fact, PV is a mild form of Totalitarianism, which is a pervasive desire to prevent expression of viewpoints other than one's own. "It's actually not 'mild'" one researcher noted: "we now understand that PV sufferers are merely Totalitarians without power"
.

Doctors cite several factors that predispose to PV:

1) Atheism: nearly all PV suffers are atheists. "It's a tragic double hit", one doctor lamented. "What could be worse than to be afflicted with two forms of imbecility simultaneously."

2) Leftism- "Three forms simultaneously"

3) Litigiousness: the bizarre propensity to settle differences of religious opinion by the application of judicial force is baffling, researchers admit.

4) Narcissistic sense of entitlement: the PV sufferer has the delusion that his/her personal opinion takes precedence over that of all others.

5) Proximity to ACLU offices and to anti-Christian organizations run by fake clergy like 'Rev.' Barry Lynn: this seems to be a nearly linear relationship.

6) Obsession with financial ruin of PV victim's own school district: whether it is associated with the reciprocal personal financial gain of the PV sufferers and their attorneys remains the subject of much research.

7) Faux-intellectualism: "Most of these patients are pseudo-intellectuals", doctors acknowledge. "Most PV sufferers have read at least one book by Richard Dawkins-- without being forced to do so at gunpoint," they noted.

The geography of outbreaks has been studied in some depth, according to experts. So far, they haven't been able to ascertain what connects Madison, Oakland, Ann Arbor, and Austin. Based on these geographical risk factors, some theorists have suggested that lack of personal hygiene may play a role in PV.

Treatment for PV remains experimental:

1) Well-funded well-organized defense: referred to as FTB (Fight the B*stards) therapy.

2) Excision of vectors for the disease-- judges and politicians who enable PV: the ideal treatment of parasitic disease is eradication of the parasite, experts note.

3) Respect for Constitution: researchers call this the IYD (In Your Dreams) approach.

4) Minding own business: specialists acknowledge that this is difficult for incipient Totalitarians.

5) Ear plugs: PV patients are often told to 'stuff it', and experts suggest stuffing earplugs into delicate ears at the first mention of "Let us pray..."


Preventative approaches include:

1) Assessment of court costs to PV patients: called "justice".

2) Reading Constitution: CAS (Constitution Avoidance Syndrome) often interferes with this approach.

3) Quarantine: excellent way to treat sociopaths.

4) Prayer vaccination: repeated exposure to graduated prayer-- the 700 Club, EWTN, camp at Liberty University-- may be of value, but many PV sufferers fear SC (Spontaneous Combustion) if they hear actual prayer.

5) Get-a-life therapy: difficult for atheists, who see life as lacking meaning and therefore lacking anything to "get".

6) Atheist home-schooling: why should Christians be the only ones who pay taxes for schools they don't use? Experts point out that inexpensive atheist anthologies (ch.1: Marquis de Sade on 'sexual health'; ch.2: Lenin on 'political freedom'. ch.3: Richard Dawkins on 'Richard Dawkins') are available for home instruction.

Ultimately the scourge of PV can only be eradicated by PV victims themselves, who need to acquire humility, civility, and respect for the rights of others.

The outlook is grim.

3 comments:

  1. Funny stuff, Mike.
    LMAO! Just read this out to my son (adult). Having a good laugh! Cheers from Ontario.

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  2. You're funnier when you try to be serious. This is grade-school comedy at it's most mediocre.

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  3. Even funnier than the post is the snide comment! Now I am REALLY laughing.
    Magpie, I suggest you try option five:

    5) Get-a-life therapy: difficult for atheists, who see life as lacking meaning and therefore lacking anything to "get".

    ReplyDelete