Thursday, October 11, 2012

Secret Service admits that Biden is their "most valuable asset"

(Dissociated Press) In an exclusive interview with ABC News today, Secret Service Director Sam Kevlar acknowledged what analysts have been privately saying for three and a half years-- that their protection of President Obama is predicated on the man who is a heart-beat away from the presidency-- Vice President Joe Biden.

"We initially had a disturbing spate of threats against the President, right after the Inauguration" Kevlar noted. "we had a meeting with the FBI and law enforcement officials, and we asked the Vice President to speak to the officials to offer his insights into how we could protect the President. The Vice President spoke about how much he loved police stuff, and how he used to watch Efrem Zimbalist Jr. every Sunday night and 'even got his autograph once'. 
We immediately recognized the Vice President's value to Presidential protection."

Immediately following the meeting with the Vice President, Secret Service officials contacted the major news networks.

"We asked them to mention "VICE PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN" loudly and repeatedly in their newscasts." said Kevlar. "Within days the number of threats to the President decreased by 90%."

Since then, threats to the President have stayed at historically low levels, and the Vice President's participation in Presidental protection has become routine. For example, Director Kevlar offered an explanation for the Administration's inexplicable willingness to allow the Vice President to speak extemporaneously in public.

"We noticed that each time the Vice President made public comments, the threats to the President diminished measurably. Eventually, after each Biden speech, we even had people calling up and offering to personally protect the President for free."  

Agents are very pleased with the upcoming Vice Presidential debate tonight between Biden and challenger Paul Ryan.

"Hell, this debate should be worth ten extra inches of bullet proof glass on the presidential limousine." noted one veteran agent. "When Ryan gets done, we may not even need to follow the President around anymore."

Director Kevlar noted that the Vice President himself has been informed of the critical role he plays in protecting the President.

"He was delighted", Kevlar notes, taking a deep breath. "He even asked if we could let him wear 'one of those little ear microphones'."

Recently, even top-secret internal Secret Service code-names been altered by the new security paradigm.

Director Kevlar notes:

"We decided to change the President's Secret Service code name from POTUS (President of the United States) to PBP (President Biden's Predecessor). Agents are much more motivated. Many have even volunteered to work overtime without pay".

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