Sunday, October 21, 2012

Vandals desecrate pile of manure with Democrat Party headquarters

(Dissociated Press) Residents in Warren County Ohio, a quiet suburb just north of Cincinnati, awoke with horror this morning to find that vandals had dumped a Democrat Party headquarters next to the county's venerable manure pile.

"We were shocked" said resident Irma Wellington, a homeowner who lives just down the street from the site of the vandalism. "Our manure pile has been very helpful to our town-- we use it to fertilize our gardens and farms. It has never harmed us. Why would someone want to do a thing like this"?

The Democrat Party headquarters, a 3000 square foot cinderblock building festooned with "Forward 2012" and "Hope not Change" banners, was dumped just a few feet from the small town's manure pile. By midday, swarms of bright green flies covered the building.

"It's not only unsightly, it's a health hazard" lamented Warren County Health Commissioner Fred Bartman. "Anywhere a Democratic headquarters is left out in the open, crime and disease flourish. Look at Detroit and New Orleans and East St. Louis and San Francisco. Acute lead poisoning, sexually-transmitted diseases, goverment dependence and addiction seem to always accompany Democrat structures. It's the most serious public health issue we face."

As Democrat staffers and politicians crawled into and out of the building, residents expressed dismay at the new addition to their downtown area.

"Not only is it unsightly" sighed Chris Morton, a local shopkeeper. "It's full of parasites and rotten things-- demagogues and dead voters and disease-spreading green things and Acorns".

The wind shifted, and Morton cupped his palm over his nose.

"It's pretty offensive." he said. But he said that the citizens were pitching in to deal with the unsightly Democrat building unceremoniously dumped in their town. "We have a crew working on it. Our goal is to have it cleaned up and out of here by Nov. 6th."


  1. Oh, my! The headline was hilarious.

    1. I mean, "the title alone was hilarious". The "press release" was also up there.

      (Due to having gutted and rebuilt my house) My co-workers used to tell me that if mt career as a computer programmer didn't work out, I could always take up construction.

      In your case, if the doctor thing doesn't work out, you can always become a humorist.

    2. Ilion,

      Thanks. That's high praise. Although I must say that it's a target-rich environment.