Saturday, February 11, 2012

"A religious woman upon waking up each morning..."

From Great Clean Jokes:

A religious woman upon waking up each morning would open her front door stand on the porch and scream, “Praise the Lord.” This infuriated her atheist neighbor who would always make sure to counter back, “there is no Lord.” One morning the atheist neighbor overheard his neighbor praying for food, thinking it would be funny, he went and bought her all sorts of groceries and left them on her porch. The next morning the lady screamed, “praise the Lord, who gave me this food.” The neighbor laughing so hard he could barely get the words out screamed “it wasn’t the Lord, it was me.” The lady without missing a beat screamed “praise the Lord for not only giving me food but making the atheist pay for it!!”


  1. Michael,

    Golly. As with Pepe, I wouldn't advise you to give up your day job and seek fame and fortune as a standup comic.

    Hopefully, CrusadeRex will save the day and submit a genuinely funny joke.

    1. Here are a couple of (almost) one-liner jokes for poker-face bach:

      Tell me, ask this gentleman to his wife, if I died, would you be heartbroken? Oh! my love! How can you doubt it? You know I cry for no reason!

      A man is in hospital with head wrapped in a solid dressing. His nurse says: My dear sir, your wife must miss you! He replies: Usually yes, but this time she had me.

      A woman phones her husband and says: I spent two weeks in a weight reduction clinic and I lost half my weight. He replies: Stay there another two weeks!


  2. LOL Mike

    Okay, here's my retort. Not the sexiest or wittiest one I have found in my inbox, but it does relate to some of the medicare style discussions we have on here.
    Anyway. Here goes!

    "A doctor, a nurse, and the top executive of an HMO have died and are in line together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter appears to speak with them and asks them what good they have done in their lives.
    Doctor: “I have devoted my life to the sick and needy and have had a part in caring for and healing thousands of people.”
    St. Peter: “That’s great. Go ahead in to heaven. And what about you?”
    Nurse: “I have supported the Doctor and his patients my entire life as an adult, etc…”
    St. Peter: “Wonderful. Please proceed in with the Doctor. And what about you?”
    HMO Executive: “I was the president of a very large Health Maintenance Organization and was responsible for the healthcare of millions of people all over the United States.”
    St. Peter: “Oh, I see. Please go on in . . . but you can only stay 2 nights!”

  3. Very funny, I like jokes involving atheists! Here's mine:

    A priest dies and goes to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter appears and explains to the priest that heaven is like a huge stadium and souls are given seats based on the good they did on earth. He then assigns a seat to the priest way up in the stadium.

    Then a taxi driver gets to the Pearly Gates and after informing him how things work in heaven he assigns the taxi driver a seat way dawn in the stadium.

    Seeing this, the priest goes to St. Peter and says: I was a priest and spent my life in the service of God! How come this taxi driver has a better seat then me?

    Well, said St. Peter, when you were in the pulpit delivering your sermon, people slept, but they prayed when they were in his taxi!

    1. Should have typed ...way down in the statdium... Sorry!

    2. Since I feel very good today, here's another!

      A man and his wife go on a trip to Israel, but unfortunately once there his wife has a heart attack and passes away. The man goes to see the local undertaker for required funeral services. The undertaker says that if he buries his wife in Israel it will cost him $250 but if he wants to fly her body back to his country, it will cost him $2,500. The man takes the $2,500 option. The undertaker asks why he is willing to spend that much money? “I don't want to take any chances since I have heard that in Israel dead people can resurrect after three days!”


  4. A joke from someone introducing Rick Santorum.

    A conservative, a moderate, and a liberal walk into a bar. The bartender says “hi Mitt”


  5. A woman starts dating a doctor. She eventually becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle." "Do you think it will work?" she asks. "It's worth a try," he says.

    The doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation, he goes to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this." "What happened?" asks the priest. "You gave birth to a child!" "But that's impossible!" says the priest. "I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby."

    About 15 years go by, and the priest realizes he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies, "I am your mother. The archbishop is your father."

  6. Pepe,

    I thought your joke about the priest and the taxi driver was the best of the lot so far. Not the best written. I saw a better version using a New York taxi driver, and the reward was the size of the house one gets in the afterlife (why eternity spent sitting in a stadium would be considered a reward is beyond me too).

    I've never been to New York, but I imagine that New York taxi drivers must be similar to Istanbul ones. I was terrified by one who insisted on tailgating the car in front by less than one car length in heavy traffic at speed. Everyone there does it, but it would take only a moment's in attention on the part of a driver ahead to cause a multicar pileup.

    1. ...sitting in a stadium...
      Well the Rose Bowl is pretty successful!

      I was terrified...
      Did you pray?