Friday, June 17, 2011

Weiner resigns from Congress; announces presidential bid.

Congressman Anthony Weiner resigned today from Congress following a sexting scandal that has rocked Washington. But, in a surprise move, the Queens Democrat announced his candidacy for the Democratic Party's nomination for president in 2012.

"We need a president who is comfortable and experienced with new social media", the former Congressman said to a roomful of stunned reporters. "Elected officials need to reach out and relate to voters in new ways that our predecessors-- Washington, Lincoln, Reagan-- would not, or (humm...humm...) could not, do."

The former seven-term Congressman pointed out that his record of unrestrained impulsivity could be very helpful to our stalled economy, which has been mired in a jobless recession for two years.

"What I've done with social media is to apply the principles of Keynesian economics to voter outreach. Big on the stimulus, small on the substance. It could be the way out of the recession."

Weiner also emphasized the application of his sexting strategy to international 'affairs'.

"I disagree with President Obama's approach to taking down Osama bin Laden. As president, I would take a tougher approach to deterring terrorism". The Democrat proposed texting 'messages' to Al Qaeda leadership. "The deterrance would be much more effective than drone strikes or SEAL team six." Weiner smiled. "Which would deter you more: getting shot in forehead by a Navy SEAL, or getting a picture of me posing in the locker room of the Congressional gym?".

(A Rasmussen tracking poll of 1000 likely terrorists shows that 72.8% would choose the bullet alone, and 21.6% would request the bullet if the picture were accidently shown to them).

Weiner offered another example of his "social media" approach to foreign policy.

"If the leader of China launches a new aircraft carrier, our traditional response might be to revise our naval strategy or to hold high level secret talks with Chinese military officials", the candidate observed. "Well, I've got a navel strategy."

"With my expertise with new media, Hu Jintao might just recieve a 'New Message' alert on his Blackberry."

Weiner declined to reveal the content of the message he would send the Asian leader of a billion Chinese citizens, except to say "think 'Battle of the Bulge', 21st century."

1 comment:

  1. His running mate will be AG Eriic Holder. Look for the ads soon asking you to vote for Weiner-Holder.