(Dissociated Press) A group of local Rhode Island
Rev. Ima Quisling, leader of a group of progressive clergy called 'Vicars of Vichy', opened the vigil by reminding the assembled reporters that "for progressive Christians, kneeling in submission is the most profitable response to worldly power". After several opening prayers, she lead the assembled reporters in the popular hymn "Barak of Ages" followed by a solemn acapella version of "Were You There, When They Fired Keith-Ol-ber-mann?"
Reverend Quisling then proceeded with a solemn homily on the Apostle's Creed entitled "Womynpriests and Choice-- the Legislative Outlook".
Ushers then passed around collection plates labeled "(Hope and) Change", as Reverend Quisling asked people to open their hearts and contribute "as much of other people's money as you can afford".
With the end of the liturgy of the Word, the liturgy of the eucharist began.
To prepare for the sacraments, the Reverend lit four incense-treated prayer murals.
In the soft light of the flickering flames, the parishoners lined up to recieve the sacrament. Reverend Quisling passed a plastic fetus to each, who in turn dumped it in the incinerator on the altar. "The bread of life(style)... ", she intoned, which each immolation.
At the conclusion of communion, Rev. Qusiling, winking at both of her wives in the front row, raised her arms in benediction: "Holy Mother, please protect little Jennifer-- um-- Justina-- umm--- Jessica from violations of her rights.
The Reverend walked through the congregation, shaking hands with all three parishoners and several hundred reporters.
On her way to her Prius, she warned of the Lord's wrath if Jessica is forced to look upon differing beliefs.
"North America has suffered annual cycles of warming and cooling, as well as almost daily fluctuations of light and dark, since the Republican victory in the 2010 mid-term elections", she has observed pointedly, "and by this summer portions of the Northern Hemisphere will be as much as fifty degrees warmer than now"
"Gaia is already angry about the Tea Party. Prayers on t-shirts will only inflame Her Righteous Fury".
"We cannot deny Her Holy Injunctions much longer" she warned, pointing out that a recent drought in Madagascar coincided with Rick Santorum's victory in the Iowa caucauses.
"Our Holy Mother will not be mocked. She led her people out of slavery. She will lead her people out of school auditoriums with prayer murals."
"We womyn and men and transgendered must protect innocent life. Jessica has already passed through the birth canal, so she too is a human being in God's eyes."
Reverend Quisling paused, her eyes welling with tears.
"Please defend little Justina from seeing things she doesn't like"