Defense Department announces new tactic to enlist secular left in War on Terror

(Dissociated Press)

General Tommy Casey, Chairman of the President's Council on Defense Preparedness, announced today at a press conference that the Obama administration has agreed on a new strategy to enlist the secular left in the War on Terror.

"We've had quite a problem getting the secular left to sign on with our war on Islamofascism", General Casey announced. "The response of the secular left to Muslim violence and hate has been muted, to say the least. Some even call it 'cowardly'. Secular leftists have repeatedly demanded that we forgo our constitutional rights-- our human rights-- to freedom of speech and freedom of religion in order to leg-hump Islamic thugs and murderers. The secular left has been the perfect embodiment of dhimmitude"

Casey told reporters that the Council on Defense Preparedness has done polling which has revealed a new strategy to enlist the secular left in the war on violent Islamists.

"We have decided to label all members of terrorist organizations, such as Hamas, Hezbollah, Al Qaeda, all of the Salafist jihadis, as 'fetuses'. The secular left has been waging an unrelenting war on children in the womb for 40 years. We could use that enthusiasm in the War on Terror." 

Fetal designation of Islamic jihadists began formally today, with classification of Ayman al-Zawahiri, current commander of Al Qaeda, as a 20-week pre-viable fetus. Casey announced that younger jihadis will be designated as embryos, and some of the most senior jihadis will be classified as severely handicapped fetuses past the threshold of viability.

"We want to enlist the same secular left passion for methodical extermination of young children in our war of survival against Islamist terror.", Casey noted. "The secular left has killed 50 million unborn children since 1973. A few snuffed wacko jihadis is a drop in the bucket compared to what they've done to unwanted children"

General Casey announced that in order to motivate the secular left even further, the Pentagon has agreed to pay Planned Parenthood $2000 for each terrorist 'terminated'.

In addition, military and law-enforcement officials have announced that terrorist pre-emption programs that aim to stop terrorists before they act will be re-designated "Terrorist Contraception Initiatives", paid for by the Catholic Church via mandatory health insurance premiums. "If we have a right to publicly-funded contraception, why not apply the principle more broadly to include preventing terrorists. The secular left is already on-board."


The Pentagon is also considering labeling some senior jihadis as "Handicapped Individuals in Persistent Vegetative State", which analysts believe will lead the secular left to demand the cessation of all support to the terrorists, including food and water.