[Dissociated Press] In response to an epidemic of gun violence, the United States has declared the violent Asian nation of Afghanistan a Gun-Free Zone.
At the State Department, Thom Davies, Assistant Undersecretary for Policy Futility, explained the new public safety program to reporters.
"We realized that since we were imposing gun-free zones in the United States to protect our schoolchildren against mass shooters, why not use the same policy to protect our sons and daughters in the military from such wanton gun violence."
Davies pointed out that every month several American soldiers are killed by mass shooters toting semi-automatic and automatic weapons.
"It's the easy availability of these assault weapons that makes gun violence in Afghanistan possible. By reducing the number of these weapons on the streets, and requiring background checks for jihadis attempting to purchase assault weapons at tribal gun shows, we can stop gun violence in Afghanistan. It's worked in Chicago and Newark, and it's kept our children safe in schools, so why can't it work overseas?"
General Mark Warren, commander of military security for American forces in Afghanistan, held an impromptu press conference for reporters.
"We received this... this... policy memorandum two days ago", said the general, who looked as if he hadn't slept in a couple of days. "We have ordered our troops to... to... surrender their firearms by noon today."
The general had to steady himself at the podium.
"For each weapon surrendered, the soldier will receive a... a... stuffed teddy bear and a citation for working in solidarity for gun safety." The general appeared to be ill, and his hands were trembling.
In response to a reporter's question about the response of the Afghani insurgents to the new policy, General Warren grew even more pale. "The insurgents have turned in quite a few weapons." The general pointed to a box of water pistols and nerf-guns on the stage. "We are a bit concerned, as you might imagine, about the disproportionate response between the defenders and the aggressors to gun regulation."
"We are hoping, of course, that people who are intent on mass murder will pause to obey these new statutory restrictions. I'm sorry to say that our stricter enforcement of parking regulations hasn't prevented car bombs, so I'm not hopeful about the gun regulations" the general said, his voice barely audible.
In the United States, gun control advocates were enthusiastically supportive of the new firearms regulation. Nestor Moron, president of the gun control advocacy group Defenseless Schools are Safe Schools, hailed the laws as a huge step forward for gun safety. "We have been lobbying for years for the Pentagon to require safety locks on all soldiers' weapons. It is imperative that we stem the tide of violence in combat zones."
Moron, who for decades has been instrumental in school gun safety programs in Littleton Colorado and Newtown Connecticut, and who was a gun-control safety advisor to Century Movie Theater in Aurora Colorado (the only theatre in Aurora that was a gun-free zone), touted the Afghanistan gun-free zone as a major step forward in the prevention of mass shootings. "It's a matter of the heart. How could Americans be so callous as to allow our sons and daughters in the military to be the victims of gun violence? We must take action."
Afghani insurgents seem to be broadly supportive of the new gun control laws. Mulla Adan Lanzaa commented on the new gun safety regulations at his arsenal in Kandahar. "We very happy American decision" Mulla Lanzaa proclaimed, smiling while his men gleefully fired machine guns and rocket-propelled grenades into the air. "Yankee assault rifle very danger to us. So sad. Now much safe!"
Meanwhile, officials conducted a candle-light vigil at the American Marine Base at Kandahar, where yesterday 26 American soldiers who had just surrendered their weapons to gun control authorities were gunned down by a mass shooter. Mourners had placed teddy bears with peace symbols and solidarity candles at a hastily prepared memorial.
"These tragedies shouldn't happen", one young woman with a "Imagine No Guns" button on her shirt. She sighed. "If only we had been more defenseless..."